Fight or Flight?

I work for a school district as a special ed teacher where the rights of my special ed students are violated every day. My students with disabilities are required to take college-level (AP) classes. This has a devastating effect emotionally to many of my students. One of my primary jobs is to advocate for my students, which puts me in direct conflict with the district's policies. The administrators have labeled me as a troublemaker and have tried everything to get me to quit. I have been harassed, placed on administrative leave and put on a plan of assistance. My question is, should I stay and fight or give up and go to work for a different school district?

--SPED teacher

Dear SPED teacher,

Are you a union member? I always thought that part of the job of the union is to help you sort through issues like this. I'd recommend starting there if you're a member.

I'd also like to know if you have any staff or administrators at all on your side. Are the parents who are willing to take their concerns to the school district? If not, then you need to weigh how much good you can do for these kids on your own vs. how it is affecting your life overall. If you're close to retirement and can stick it out, that may be your best option. If you are at the beginning of your career, maybe you could find a job that is more closely aligned with how you know things should be.

I often ask myself the regret question when faced with a big decision. If you were to jump ahead 10 years in the future, would you most regret staying and fighting what seems like a losing battle, or would you most regret leaving these kids without an advocate?

Personally, I'd have a hard time walking away.

-- Deborah

Dear SPED,

Thank you for your letter. I admire that you want to stand by your principles and convictions as they are well placed. This is a true dilemma in that neither option is good, and you seem to be at a point of needing to make a firm decision. This is a situation where the bureaucracy itself has become more important than the mission: educating and advocating for students. It is uncommon that people actually have the ability to move to different districts without disrupting their entire lives so much as to being impractical or nearly impossible. I recommend that you move. Administrators never relent, and it’s likely that your life will become more miserable all the while still not being able to help your students in a meaningful way. 

-- Terry

Politics and Religion

What is the best way to handle discussions regarding easily divisive topics, such as politics and religion?

Funny you should ask. I've been thinking about exploring this topic on my blog, Ruminations. I always consider the temperament and the IQ of the person with whom I'm speaking before I launch into these topics. I also consider how much I like the person and whether I care what he thinks.

What are the circumstances in your case?

Years ago I had a friend whose company I enjoyed enough to have pleasant conversations with her ... as long as they were limited to our children and what books we were reading. I had realized early on in the relationship that any other topic just wasn't worth the effort.

On the other hand, I have other friends whom I like very much and with whom I enjoy the occasional, intelligent debate.

Are you talking about being trapped at family gatherings where people drone on and on and on and on? Unless you like stirring up a hornets' nest, isn't there something that needs tending in the kitchen or on the barbecue? Or are you wedged into your seat at the dinner table? Try this: "I think I'll have some more of this delicious pot roast!"

If you actually think you have a chance at swaying anyone's opinion without creating animosity, then by all means, launch into it, unless, of course, the alcohol has already taken effect. Then I wouldn't bother.

Regardless of your circumstances, don't start anything that you can't back up with facts.

-- Deborah

Dear No name,

Ah, the great American past-time: arguing about religion and politics. The answer is, “very delicately.” It seems that with social media and changing attitudes, the intensity of divisive topics has really ramped up, and, from what I have seen and heard, much of it is outright hostile. A big factor that will determine whether you should wade into battle is the social setting. If you are at an office or holiday party or other social gathering, my advice is to not engage and keep to yourself. If you are able, try to steer the conversation to less quarrelsome topics such as vacations, movies, sports, etc., but not the weather. This will surely lead to a fight over “climate change.” If you are out with girlfriends (or the guys) you can jump in and give your opinion. If you are on social media, remember that whatever you post is out in the ether forever. In all cases I encourage you to keep your cool and remain composed at all times. At all cost, do not raise your voice or foam at the mouth and never engage in name calling, bullying, harassment, or assault. If you can manage this, you will always “win,” and people will respect you for having a polite and well-thought-out opinion.

-- Terry

The Fate of the Vase

I hope this doesn't seem like too petty of a question for you two, but maybe you will have some good ideas for me.

There is a woman, sometimes good friend, I've known for 20+ years. We've never quarreled, but over the years our friendship has been a sort of on again/off again relationship. Over the past few years I've been fairly ambivalent about our friendship. She has recently moved out of the area, and I doubt I will ever see her again.

Here's the question. Several years ago, during one of our "close" times, she distributed some personal gifts from her home to her friends. I received a pretty crystal vase which had been a family keepsake. When I see this vase I have conflicting emotions. I have regret over an unresolved friendship and irritation from the times she pushed a little to much. I don't know what to do with this vase.

If I pack it away, it will just haunt me in the future. If I give it back, that may hurt her feelings which I don't want to do. I thought to give it to one of her children, but again, I don't want to "make a statement". Because it had significance to her family, I don't want to just give it to charity.

Help me decide the fate of the vase!

Dear “gifted vase,”

Thank you for writing your "not too petty question." The only gift that has strings attached is an engagement ring. If you accept the ring, then you accept the proposal of marriage. All other gifts are freely given, and you may do as you wish with them. Having said that, this gift of a family heirloom is a bit unconventional. Another fact of life is that some friendships just end over time. I am sorry to say that this former friendship appears to be one of those. I recommend that you hang on to the vase. If you were friends at one time, recall the good times you had as friends when you see the vase and don’t dwell on negative feelings. You say the vase is pretty, then you should use it to display flower arrangements. There is every good chance that she has forgotten that she gave the vase to you, but if sometime in the future she remembers and would like to inquire about it, then you can assure her it is still in good condition. You never know, this may rekindle your cooled friendship.

-- Terry

I would ditch the vase!! It has some seriously bad mojo attached to it.

Now that this on again/off again relationship has come to an end, can you look at the woman's personality objectively? I have a feeling she has some character flaws. She is either controlling and manipulative or has very, very poor interpersonal skills. The fact that she gave you a family heirloom is a little creepy in the implication that she expects you to honor its (and her) origins. Unless the family has true historical significance, that's just plain weird and narcissistic.

On the other hand, you could give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's not very skilled at interpreting relationships.

I'm leaning toward the former. Either way, if you don't enjoy the vase, ditch it.

-- Deborah