The Fate of the Vase

I hope this doesn't seem like too petty of a question for you two, but maybe you will have some good ideas for me.

There is a woman, sometimes good friend, I've known for 20+ years. We've never quarreled, but over the years our friendship has been a sort of on again/off again relationship. Over the past few years I've been fairly ambivalent about our friendship. She has recently moved out of the area, and I doubt I will ever see her again.

Here's the question. Several years ago, during one of our "close" times, she distributed some personal gifts from her home to her friends. I received a pretty crystal vase which had been a family keepsake. When I see this vase I have conflicting emotions. I have regret over an unresolved friendship and irritation from the times she pushed a little to much. I don't know what to do with this vase.

If I pack it away, it will just haunt me in the future. If I give it back, that may hurt her feelings which I don't want to do. I thought to give it to one of her children, but again, I don't want to "make a statement". Because it had significance to her family, I don't want to just give it to charity.

Help me decide the fate of the vase!

Dear “gifted vase,”

Thank you for writing your "not too petty question." The only gift that has strings attached is an engagement ring. If you accept the ring, then you accept the proposal of marriage. All other gifts are freely given, and you may do as you wish with them. Having said that, this gift of a family heirloom is a bit unconventional. Another fact of life is that some friendships just end over time. I am sorry to say that this former friendship appears to be one of those. I recommend that you hang on to the vase. If you were friends at one time, recall the good times you had as friends when you see the vase and don’t dwell on negative feelings. You say the vase is pretty, then you should use it to display flower arrangements. There is every good chance that she has forgotten that she gave the vase to you, but if sometime in the future she remembers and would like to inquire about it, then you can assure her it is still in good condition. You never know, this may rekindle your cooled friendship.

-- Terry

I would ditch the vase!! It has some seriously bad mojo attached to it.

Now that this on again/off again relationship has come to an end, can you look at the woman's personality objectively? I have a feeling she has some character flaws. She is either controlling and manipulative or has very, very poor interpersonal skills. The fact that she gave you a family heirloom is a little creepy in the implication that she expects you to honor its (and her) origins. Unless the family has true historical significance, that's just plain weird and narcissistic.

On the other hand, you could give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's not very skilled at interpreting relationships.

I'm leaning toward the former. Either way, if you don't enjoy the vase, ditch it.

-- Deborah