Fight or Flight?

I work for a school district as a special ed teacher where the rights of my special ed students are violated every day. My students with disabilities are required to take college-level (AP) classes. This has a devastating effect emotionally to many of my students. One of my primary jobs is to advocate for my students, which puts me in direct conflict with the district's policies. The administrators have labeled me as a troublemaker and have tried everything to get me to quit. I have been harassed, placed on administrative leave and put on a plan of assistance. My question is, should I stay and fight or give up and go to work for a different school district?

--SPED teacher

Dear SPED teacher,

Are you a union member? I always thought that part of the job of the union is to help you sort through issues like this. I'd recommend starting there if you're a member.

I'd also like to know if you have any staff or administrators at all on your side. Are the parents who are willing to take their concerns to the school district? If not, then you need to weigh how much good you can do for these kids on your own vs. how it is affecting your life overall. If you're close to retirement and can stick it out, that may be your best option. If you are at the beginning of your career, maybe you could find a job that is more closely aligned with how you know things should be.

I often ask myself the regret question when faced with a big decision. If you were to jump ahead 10 years in the future, would you most regret staying and fighting what seems like a losing battle, or would you most regret leaving these kids without an advocate?

Personally, I'd have a hard time walking away.

-- Deborah

Dear SPED,

Thank you for your letter. I admire that you want to stand by your principles and convictions as they are well placed. This is a true dilemma in that neither option is good, and you seem to be at a point of needing to make a firm decision. This is a situation where the bureaucracy itself has become more important than the mission: educating and advocating for students. It is uncommon that people actually have the ability to move to different districts without disrupting their entire lives so much as to being impractical or nearly impossible. I recommend that you move. Administrators never relent, and it’s likely that your life will become more miserable all the while still not being able to help your students in a meaningful way. 

-- Terry

Politics and Religion

What is the best way to handle discussions regarding easily divisive topics, such as politics and religion?

Funny you should ask. I've been thinking about exploring this topic on my blog, Ruminations. I always consider the temperament and the IQ of the person with whom I'm speaking before I launch into these topics. I also consider how much I like the person and whether I care what he thinks.

What are the circumstances in your case?

Years ago I had a friend whose company I enjoyed enough to have pleasant conversations with her ... as long as they were limited to our children and what books we were reading. I had realized early on in the relationship that any other topic just wasn't worth the effort.

On the other hand, I have other friends whom I like very much and with whom I enjoy the occasional, intelligent debate.

Are you talking about being trapped at family gatherings where people drone on and on and on and on? Unless you like stirring up a hornets' nest, isn't there something that needs tending in the kitchen or on the barbecue? Or are you wedged into your seat at the dinner table? Try this: "I think I'll have some more of this delicious pot roast!"

If you actually think you have a chance at swaying anyone's opinion without creating animosity, then by all means, launch into it, unless, of course, the alcohol has already taken effect. Then I wouldn't bother.

Regardless of your circumstances, don't start anything that you can't back up with facts.

-- Deborah

Dear No name,

Ah, the great American past-time: arguing about religion and politics. The answer is, “very delicately.” It seems that with social media and changing attitudes, the intensity of divisive topics has really ramped up, and, from what I have seen and heard, much of it is outright hostile. A big factor that will determine whether you should wade into battle is the social setting. If you are at an office or holiday party or other social gathering, my advice is to not engage and keep to yourself. If you are able, try to steer the conversation to less quarrelsome topics such as vacations, movies, sports, etc., but not the weather. This will surely lead to a fight over “climate change.” If you are out with girlfriends (or the guys) you can jump in and give your opinion. If you are on social media, remember that whatever you post is out in the ether forever. In all cases I encourage you to keep your cool and remain composed at all times. At all cost, do not raise your voice or foam at the mouth and never engage in name calling, bullying, harassment, or assault. If you can manage this, you will always “win,” and people will respect you for having a polite and well-thought-out opinion.

-- Terry

The Fate of the Vase

I hope this doesn't seem like too petty of a question for you two, but maybe you will have some good ideas for me.

There is a woman, sometimes good friend, I've known for 20+ years. We've never quarreled, but over the years our friendship has been a sort of on again/off again relationship. Over the past few years I've been fairly ambivalent about our friendship. She has recently moved out of the area, and I doubt I will ever see her again.

Here's the question. Several years ago, during one of our "close" times, she distributed some personal gifts from her home to her friends. I received a pretty crystal vase which had been a family keepsake. When I see this vase I have conflicting emotions. I have regret over an unresolved friendship and irritation from the times she pushed a little to much. I don't know what to do with this vase.

If I pack it away, it will just haunt me in the future. If I give it back, that may hurt her feelings which I don't want to do. I thought to give it to one of her children, but again, I don't want to "make a statement". Because it had significance to her family, I don't want to just give it to charity.

Help me decide the fate of the vase!

Dear “gifted vase,”

Thank you for writing your "not too petty question." The only gift that has strings attached is an engagement ring. If you accept the ring, then you accept the proposal of marriage. All other gifts are freely given, and you may do as you wish with them. Having said that, this gift of a family heirloom is a bit unconventional. Another fact of life is that some friendships just end over time. I am sorry to say that this former friendship appears to be one of those. I recommend that you hang on to the vase. If you were friends at one time, recall the good times you had as friends when you see the vase and don’t dwell on negative feelings. You say the vase is pretty, then you should use it to display flower arrangements. There is every good chance that she has forgotten that she gave the vase to you, but if sometime in the future she remembers and would like to inquire about it, then you can assure her it is still in good condition. You never know, this may rekindle your cooled friendship.

-- Terry

I would ditch the vase!! It has some seriously bad mojo attached to it.

Now that this on again/off again relationship has come to an end, can you look at the woman's personality objectively? I have a feeling she has some character flaws. She is either controlling and manipulative or has very, very poor interpersonal skills. The fact that she gave you a family heirloom is a little creepy in the implication that she expects you to honor its (and her) origins. Unless the family has true historical significance, that's just plain weird and narcissistic.

On the other hand, you could give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's not very skilled at interpreting relationships.

I'm leaning toward the former. Either way, if you don't enjoy the vase, ditch it.

-- Deborah

Have a Question?

foxyform

Left the Libido at the Gym?

Hello T and D,

I am a 50 y/o male.

I have recently notice a loss of muscle mass and libido. This is despite lots of gym work and aerobic excercies. Would you recommend TRT by my family PCP or just use products from GNC?

Signed,

Dead Pedal

Dear Dead Pedal,

Oh for goodness sake. What does your doctor have to say about all of this? Have you had a full workup? I would recommend that in addition to consulting with your PCP that you also seek the advice of a sports nutritionist.

I'm not much of a gym rat, but I know that age and lots of exercise are both enemies of muscle mass. Protein is obviously an important factor here.

If there's any possibility that you're feeling overly attached to your fitness routine, is dialing it back a bit an option?

I'm probably breaking the rules by throwing out advice that you didn't actually ask, but I'm an advocate for a healthy libido and balanced social/love life.

-- D

Dear Dead,

Thank you for writing. And you have more hair on your ears, nose and back than on your head. Mother Nature sure has a cruel sense of humor. Welcome to andropause. The term andropause is not an accepted medical term, but some use it to describe the slowing of production of testosterone in men. Another phrase gaining in popularity is “low T.” It is typically about 1% per year starting around age 30. Loss of muscle mass and libido is normal for all men, but how much, and starting at what age varies considerably. Testosterone is the male hormone that drives, among other things, the production and maintenance of muscle mass, bone density and libido. In order to maintain muscle mass you need to have the appropriate amount of quality protein in your diet. If you work out regularly and or strenuously, you probably need to add a protein supplement to your diet. In your case, with a loss of libido, you may have low T.

Here’s the problem, not all doctors will prescribe testosterone. There is quite a broad range of normal for Testosterone levels from 348 to 1197 ng/dl. Many doctors will not prescribe Testosterone even if you are in the upper 300s because they will say you are still in the normal range. Some doctors will prescribe Testosterone no matter what your level is claiming it will increase muscle mass and libido. 

For you, I advise to try some of the over the counter products that may increase Testosterone. Keep in mind that there is no product that has scientifically proven to increase Testosterone, so you will need to do a little homework. Most of the “evidence” is anecdotal. Try GNC. Give the product you buy at least 2 to 3 months. If not successful, talk to your MD. Likely he will refer you to an endocrinologist or urologist. Even with this, you still may not get a willing doctor, forcing you to find a testosterone doctor; don’t worry, there are plenty of them. Good luck.

-- Terry

Missing Molars

Dear T and D,

I am missing my two back left lower molars.

My dentist told me I need implants to replace them, but the oral surgeon told me I would need major grafting first. Is it worth the expense and risk considering I do not miss them at all.

What would do?

-- Tri Dog

Dear Dog,

I thank you for writing. My quick answer is yes; you should always try to replace missing teeth. You miss them; you just may not know it yet. My long answer is maybe not with implants. Replacing these missing molars is very important because of the changes that will absolutely occur over the next several years. Imaging, implants, bone grafting, and the final crowns will cost between $8,000 and $12,000; so you can see it will be quite an investment; it will also take about 1 to 1 ½ years to complete. Of course, there will be some discomfort with the treatment as well. If your only dental concern is the loss of these two teeth, then the commitment may make sense. If, however, you have other dental problems that will worsen if you focus all of your effort on replacing two teeth, that may not be the best decision. Make sure you have a thorough exam of your gums and remaining teeth so that you can reasonably keep the rest of your teeth for a lifetime. If not, make the effort to save any and all other teeth. Dental issues such as this are usually complex, and cost, treatment time, number of visits, and pain tolerance are all factors that must be considered. If you are not able to commit now, I strongly recommend that you think about having a well-made, metal, framework partial denture fabricated to give you something to chew with and keep other teeth from moving around.

-- Terry

Dear Tri Dog,

What he said.

Seriously. I couldn't possibly say it better. Terry is a dentist and one of the things that his patients liked about him was his careful explanations of treatment options.

I will add that although you say you don't miss your molars, your other teeth probably do. Maintaining your full complement of teeth helps to keep your other teeth from moving around, But I'm sure he covered that.

A good dentist can help you to make the best decision for your situation.

-- D

Phone Fetish

Dear Terry & Deborah,

My wife has an odd fetish with the phone that I am very concerned about. Whenever the phone rings, no matter what we're doing, be it intercourse or dining, she's always drawn to the phone. Do you think it's something wrong with her or is it me? Help!

-- Dead Pedal

Dear Dead,

Thank you for writing. You wife is a CIA operative. The only other explanation is that her mother does not want any more grandkids. I’m not quite sure this qualifies as a fetish, but it certainly is a problem. I am going to assume that you have, in one way or another, discussed her peculiar and bothersome habit. If this has not had the desired outcome, it’s time to make a bargain. No doubt, you have some idiosyncrasy that drives her equally crazy. Promise to never leave the toilet seat up if she will agree to put her phone on mute during your special time together; then hold her to it.

-- Terry

Dear Dead Pedal,

Sad. We are getting so attached to our phones that it's hard to put them down. It seems that almost no matter what we are doing, people are encouraging us to participate. Starbucks wants you to pay for your coffee with your smart phone, Kellogg's cereals offer codes for music downloads. Everywhere we turn. we see QR codes. Radio and television personalities ask us to participate in Twitter. Although one of the places that we've always been told to STAY OFF THE PHONE used to be our neighborhood restaurants, now even they want us to "check in" on Facebook. I strongly believe this attachment to our electronic media is rewiring our brains ... and not in a good way.

But in bed? Unless you're doing something seriously wrong, you need to have a talk with your wife! Have this talk outside of the bedroom, preferrably when you are both in a good mood and away from any electronic distractions. I hope that she will agree that there are certain times and places that cell phones should be off limits: restaurants, theaters, and between the sheets.

-- Deborah

Cold Feet

Dear Terry and Deborah,

My wife has very cold feet. She tries too warm them on my very naked body, waking me up. Should I get her electric socks, or just put up or shut up?

-- Tri Dog

Dear Tri Dog,

Is there another choice? If you were to put on a pair of soft flannel pajamas, she'd have a much nicer way to warm up her feet when she goes to bed. But if that's not an option, then I'd buy her some nice fuzzy socks or ask her to keep her cold toes on her own side of the bed. I hope, though, you'll let her come visit your side once in a while!

-- Deborah

Dear Dog,

I thank you for writing. One of little known laws of nature is that cold feet are always attracted to and will find warm, exposed flesh. It’s an unstoppable force. Electric socks are not needed, but regular socks are. Surely she knows her feet are cold, and she will be more comfortable too. 

-- Terry

401(k) and Early Retirement

Dear Terry and Deborah,

Is the 401(k) overrated? What is the best way to prepare for an early retirement?

-- Thao

Dear Thao,

I'm not by any means an expert about money. I do know that my own accountant is not a fan of the 401(k) as a retirement tool, either for us as individuals or to offer through our small business. Rather than attempt to explain, I asked him to weigh in.

Yes, 401(k)s are overrated, but that doesn’t mean a 401(k) is a bad idea for you. 401(k)s are overrated for young families trying to gather a down payment for a house, or for people with a lot of consumer debt that needs to be paid off. These folks would do better by not tying their money up in a sheltered arrangement because it will cost them 35%-47% in tax and penalties to get the money back out again. 401(k)s are also overrated for those with modest incomes, paying tax in the 15% bracket – they aren’t necessarily a terrible idea, but, yes, they are overrated. In the end the answer to the question needs to be tailored to the individual. -- Randall Kilgore, CPA

As for the early retirement, set a target date, do the math, and start saving. The investment firms have retirement calculators on their websites. You'll need to educate yourself about how to make good, sound investments or find someone you can trust to guide you.

I'm not a good resource for information here. So unless Terry is hiding a wealth of knowledge from me, I doubt that either of us is a good candidate for the "Who Said It Best?" poll!!

-- Deborah

Dear Thao,

I thank you for writing. The 401(k) is a legitimate investment tool. Of course the best 401(k) is one where the employer makes the entire contribution or matches your contribution. If you are simply allowed to invest into a qualified 401(k), it may not be the best choice.

I applaud your effort for planning for an early retirement. The biggest problem that people are facing now is that we live too darned long. Expect to live at least until your late 80s or even to 100 or more. As you can see, the challenge of living entirely from your retirement income is that you may need to save enough to live on for 30 years or more. So the simplest answer is to start as early as you can and do not touch your investments until you have retired.

I am not a licensed investor or financial planner. The biggest advantage to tax-deferred retirement plans is just that, the tax deferral. You exempt your investment from income taxes in the year it was invested and any earning or dividends it may pay before retirement. Presumably, when you retire and are in a lower tax bracket, you will pay less tax on the money when it is withdrawn. Of course there are steep penalties for taking it out early. If you need it for an absolute emergency, then taxes are due on it as well.

Every financial planner will recommend that you diversify your investments so as to not have all your eggs in one basket. How they recommend dividing up the pie can vary significantly. Much of it you can do on your own by educating yourself about the various investment choices such as individual stocks, no load mutual funds, bonds, real estate, etc. Online brokerage services have become quite sophisticated and offer a great deal of information at low to no cost. This will allow you to invest some of your money without paying large commissions. This does not mean you should never work with a broker or financial planner because they, of course, are the professionals

-- Terry 

Overbearing Mother-in-Law

Dear Terry and Deborah,

Well I will be your guinea pig :). What is your advice for dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law who criticizes every thing you do with your son down to the color of socks he wears? Who thinks you’re rude because you stand up and defend yourself against her when everyone else just lets her have her two cents without response?

-- Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,

I’d really like to know whether your mother-in-law means to be helpful or if she’s just plain mean. I’d also like to know if your husband and others present agree that she is overbearing. Either way, though, my advice will be pretty much the same.

It really should be your husband’s job to set boundaries with his mother, but it’s difficult for men to make that transition from son to man of the family. He needs to understand that his primary responsibility is to the family that he is creating with you. And you may need to be the one to point this out (gently and lovingly, of course). Choose a night where there has been no recent conflict with your MIL, preferably with a delicious dinner involved.  Explain to him that you need him to run interference with his mother in order for all of you to have a good relationship.

If your husband is unwilling or unable to follow through, then, it’s going to be up to you. If she criticizes your son’s green and purple socks, simply tell her without emotion that you’re sorry that she is bothered about the socks. If she escalates the situation into unpleasantness, gather up your son and (again without emotion) and explain to her that you are going home and will be happy to visit at a later time when she can be nice. Don’t let her win by becoming angry or cross with her, and do be consistent.

I sincerely hope that everyone comes around. It would be sad for your son to not have a good relationship with his grandma.

-- Deborah

Dear Old Friend,

I thank you for writing. The MIL/ DIL relation is the prickliest of all family relationships. I am sorry that you find yourself in the middle of one. Her passive-aggressive, micro-aggressive or outright hostile behavior toward you will not, I am sorry to say, end on its own. Over time the behavior may even worsen. I hope it is not also re-directed toward grandkids, which it can be. You are correct to stand up for yourself; I applaud you for that. The only way to make progress on this thorny relationship is to get support from your husband. For far too many reasons to go into now; husbands are terrible at this. But you must not relent; he now has a duty to you and your family to not let his mother continue to bully you. If he is unwilling or unable to stand up to his mom, book your Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays now to be away with just your family in the mountains.

-- Terry

Trapped on a Hamster Wheel

Dear Terry and Deborah,

Hi, I just graduated in May, 2013, from a top 20 university. I loved my experience in college and started teaching 6th grade English. However, I get really deep/desperate/depressing philosophical thoughts on a regular basis (at least 5 times a week), feel like I'm trapped on a hamster wheel, and feel like all my efforts are futile. How can I not feel like I'm trapped in a pointless life? How can I find meaning in my life that is lasting for me?

Thank you.

-- Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thank you for writing. Your life is full of meaning and is in no way pointless. Butcher, baker, candlestick maker; we need them all. But, being a teacher? It is one of the most noble of callings. You mean a great deal to those young, impressionable minds. If you think back, I am sure there is at least one teacher who left a lifelong impression on you, possibly enough to lead you into teaching. To be a role model and inspiration to so many children can be quite rewarding but, in itself, may not be enough. Your feelings are normal; everyone needs to find meaning in the bigger picture. Many people find meaning through their faith or other spiritual following or volunteering to help others. I encourage you to become active in some pastime. You are still young, so try a variety of activities to find out which ones are suitable to your interest and ability. There are “meet up” groups on the internet for just about everything imaginable like hiking, cycling, running, dancing and many others. Each of us is important, and one does not need to find a cure for cancer or save humanity to find fulfillment and importance. Forging longtime friendships is the surest way to find meaning in your life.

-- Terry

Dear Melissa,

Your feelings are completely understandable and are shared by many. The good news to start off here is that you do have a job. It may not be how you envisioned what you’d be doing right now, but at least it takes some of the pressure off of you while you decide what is next.

Coincidentally, I've recently come across a post by Brent Lopianetzky who is experiencing the angst of the unknown post-college. It’s natural. You've had people telling you what to do and when to do it for your entire life, and now you are responsible for making those decisions. It’s scary.

Don’t feel that you need to define yourself by your job. One of the wonderful differences between our lives today and the lives of my  parent’s generation is that nowadays it’s considered perfectly acceptable and expected to change jobs and even careers.  If you consider your current job as more of a life-ring than a hamster wheel, you may feel more free to start exploring other options.

Start writing, even if it’s just for yourself. A blog, short stories, a journal … it doesn't really matter where you start, but it’s a great way for some people to get their thoughts together.

Perhaps you could explore different teaching opportunities that would allow you to explore the world. I know of two young people who are teaching abroad right now. One is in Israel and the other is in Hong Kong. They are both having fantastic times. And, for each of them, these opportunities were EXACTLY what they needed for their post-college growth.

I also encourage you to look for people to share activities outside of work. It’s important to get out and move your body. Get some exercise. Ride your bike or go for a hike. I always find that a great way to adjust my attitude when I’m feeling stuck on that wheel!

Please write back and tell us how you’re doing. We hope we've been able to help in some way and would like to hear from you.

-- Deborah

Budget for Young Couple

Dear Terry and Deborah,

Help me budget! What's the best way to budget for a young couple?

Anon

Dear Anon,

Thank you for writing. The fact that you are asking this question puts you ahead of the masses, and I commend your effort. Try this: think of budgeting as a lifelong way to most efficiently use the money you earn. Every month you have fixed expenses, discretionary expenses, and savings or retirement. Fixed expenses include rent or mortgage, health insurance, car payment and insurance, utilities, food, etc. You do have some control in this area by renting or buying in a price range that is comfortable for your income. The same is true for the car you buy. Discretionary expenses include the type of smart phone you buy (yes, you do need a smart phone), how often you go out to eat, flat panel TVs, entertainment, travel, etc. This area has the greatest latitude of spending and is often the undoing of even the most budget-minded people. Consider the cost, for example, of fluffy coffee drinks and other beverages and snacks. You also should get into the very important habit of saving some money every month even if it’s $20 to $50. Work toward having a 3 to 6 month emergency fund account, and don’t spend this money unless it truly is an emergency. Once you have a comfortable emergency fund, then you can begin to save for a down payment on a house. Over the next two to three months, try to save the receipts or record as many expenses as you reasonably can. This exercise will give you an idea of where your money is going, and based on this, you can make the appropriate changes in your spending habits. Yes, it does take a little work and some discipline, but after a while, it will come naturally once you have a firm grasp of your spending limits. Good luck.

-- Terry

Dear Anon,

Envelopes!! My friends hit on a great idea when they were just starting out. They put their money into envelopes. They had a very tangible method of determining whether it was okay to go out to dinner or not. Of course, that was 30 years ago, so let’s see if this plan can translate to modern-day.

The difficult part is going to be to look at your finances honestly and come up with a firm understanding of what is ABSOLUTELY necessary. You need to be brutally honest with yourselves in order for the budget to work. Your smart phones make life convenient, but are they ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY? For most people, they are not. And I’ve heard from more and more people that they are happily doing without cable television.

My first two bills that I paid when we were starting out were rent and medical insurance. For you, I’d suggest that you figure out what are your fixed monthly expenses that never, ever, change and budget around them.

Groceries can vary, and it’s important to budget at least a little something to have fun, even if it means a trip to the zoo rather than movies or clubs. Finding friends who also live frugally takes a lot of the pressure off of you when planning get-togethers. It’s more fun to go for a hike in a group!

If you’re willing to go with the envelopes with your grocery and entertainment money, it could be fun and nostalgic. If you really don’t like the idea of using cash, consider opening a separate checking account (try a credit union to avoid fees), and deposit your discretionary funds there. Use that debit card as your fun card.

I know I’m not saying anything that you haven’t already heard when I say to not get sucked into credit card debt. It is such a huge waste of YOUR hard-earned money. Don’t put anything on those darned cards that you can’t pay off right away!

-- Deborah

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