Overbearing Mother-in-Law

Dear Terry and Deborah,

Well I will be your guinea pig :). What is your advice for dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law who criticizes every thing you do with your son down to the color of socks he wears? Who thinks you’re rude because you stand up and defend yourself against her when everyone else just lets her have her two cents without response?

-- Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,

I’d really like to know whether your mother-in-law means to be helpful or if she’s just plain mean. I’d also like to know if your husband and others present agree that she is overbearing. Either way, though, my advice will be pretty much the same.

It really should be your husband’s job to set boundaries with his mother, but it’s difficult for men to make that transition from son to man of the family. He needs to understand that his primary responsibility is to the family that he is creating with you. And you may need to be the one to point this out (gently and lovingly, of course). Choose a night where there has been no recent conflict with your MIL, preferably with a delicious dinner involved.  Explain to him that you need him to run interference with his mother in order for all of you to have a good relationship.

If your husband is unwilling or unable to follow through, then, it’s going to be up to you. If she criticizes your son’s green and purple socks, simply tell her without emotion that you’re sorry that she is bothered about the socks. If she escalates the situation into unpleasantness, gather up your son and (again without emotion) and explain to her that you are going home and will be happy to visit at a later time when she can be nice. Don’t let her win by becoming angry or cross with her, and do be consistent.

I sincerely hope that everyone comes around. It would be sad for your son to not have a good relationship with his grandma.

-- Deborah

Dear Old Friend,

I thank you for writing. The MIL/ DIL relation is the prickliest of all family relationships. I am sorry that you find yourself in the middle of one. Her passive-aggressive, micro-aggressive or outright hostile behavior toward you will not, I am sorry to say, end on its own. Over time the behavior may even worsen. I hope it is not also re-directed toward grandkids, which it can be. You are correct to stand up for yourself; I applaud you for that. The only way to make progress on this thorny relationship is to get support from your husband. For far too many reasons to go into now; husbands are terrible at this. But you must not relent; he now has a duty to you and your family to not let his mother continue to bully you. If he is unwilling or unable to stand up to his mom, book your Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays now to be away with just your family in the mountains.

-- Terry